It has been a while since I last wrote an entry here. Doesnt mean I havent written. Ive said plenty on my social media sites during the interim. I would like to say that everything I write, to me, has meaning, its symbolic and raw to what I have or am experiencing at the time. Sometimes I will read back on older posts and say to myself eesh maybe I shouldnt have written that. Maybe I should have kept that private. But whats done is done, and I certainly pride myself on being honest and open as possible. Writing my journey isn't just for amusement or entertainment. Writing helps me to process what is happening, I get a better perspective of the situation even if its just me typing words. Some things maybe wont make sense to you. Some things you might not be able to connect with me on or relate to. Other things you might find helpful. Its always helpful and hopeful when you realize you are not alone, there are plenty of us who are going through the same damn things right now. I know I feel better when I know I'm not alone, when I feel supported I am confident and I believe in myself, I'm energized and motivated and eager...and proud...and blessed to have people in my corner. People who have my back.
Personally, if I don't feel that support, I feel utterly defeated even before I ever begin. I have a harder time getting the motivation, I get anxious, indecisive..should I do this or should I do that. Guidance. Guidance is all it takes. Just that little nudge in the right direction. Support and guidance can be very powerful. As adults that seems particularly hard to find. I remember being a kid, I would do something "amazing" like the twirly slide at the park and I would get claps and hoots and "way to go!"s
As I got older life got harder and man, I sure could use some of those claps and hoots. Unfortunately, those seem to taper off bout 10-12 years old. You get a couple more in your lifetime like graduations, weddings, new babies... but milestones like that are often years apart. Is it truly too much to ask for this kind of caring on a daily basis? I mean why did our parents tease us and spoil us with such ideals if they're ultimately nonexistent? Cruel.
So Im almost 40. And to be honest I feel so much like that little girl I once was. I dont know if thats normal. I dont know if Im weird for feeling this way. I get scared. I doubt myself. I feel unprepared. I just want to go home! lol
Eventually we find our way, we havent a choice. And when I find mine, I will let yall know! Where I am today isnt where I thought I would be. I have a lot of issues that I should work on. I suck at communicating although I think I do pretty good expressing myself when I write. However I cant always and forever hand my husband a note about what Im feeling, He wants to hear me say these things. Its sort of a disconnect and it branches out into every aspect of my life. I have difficulty expressing myself especially when under fire, therefore I end up settling and I accept the verbal abuse because whats the point theyre more experienced at this, they are louder than I am, and I see this going nowhere. Some things that have been said to me have hurt me really bad. And I remind myself, people say things they dont mean in the heat of the moment, let it roll off my back. But words do hurt! They stick with me. I would much rather be punched in the face, my face will heal and I will eventually forget it ever happened. But words are different, They run through my mind every time I see the person who said them. I have pained myself trying to overlook it, convincing myself Im over reacting this is stupid just let it go and move on. Get things back to normal. But normal isnt normal anymore. How can I hang out with someone who tried to hurt me, no matter the circumstances? How can it ever be the same again? I dont think it can. Not exactly. Im not saying im perfect, I am millions of miles away from it! I know Im messed up but I do honestly try my hardest to do every thing right by every one.
I have been in a funk lately. Those of you who have known me for a while know that I am usually a goofy, out going chic. But for the past few months I have been battling depression again. I hate to even admit that, not that I am ashamed, but because it always makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty when I ask for help, I feel guilty when I dont feel good..I do not want to be a burden on anyone! I feel like just having me around is a lot for anyone.
In my life, I have had more people be mean or dismissive towards me than nice genuine people. I miss being young when I trusted everyone I met. Today you have to suspicious to a degree. Sucks!
Anyways, I always try to do my best, and I am constantly finding ways to improve myself. It takes time, its not easy. Its mentally exhausting. I have had a lot of things going on in the last month or two. My mind has been fixated on that. I have lost sleep, I have overslept, I have missed work, my children have missed school. The stress had officially kicked my ass. My body and mind were telling me its too much! I was fully aware of what was happening to my job performance, my parenting.. But I was able to pull myself out of it. I was able to overcome the unpleasant thoughts once again. And that to me is a VICTORY!
I must say though, I have been at my job a while now. This will be our third Christmas holiday together. Over time we became good friends. I look at her as my second mother. I see her 7 days a week. Since 12-12-2014 I have seen her every single day. I care for her, every single day. I do things for her that her own children refuse to do. I go out of my way, I do MORE than Im paid to do....because I love her, shes family. Sometimes though when youre too nice people get comfortable and start taking advantage whether they realize it or not. I had to set some boundaries, for example; I told her I dont mind going to the store for her once a week. My company doesnt pay much and they sure dont pay for travel expenses lol Grocery shopping is on my list of services to provide. So i honestly dont mind doing it. But make sure you have a list of everything youll need that week, I will go to two or three different places for you if theres any errands to run but PLEASE make everything for the same day same time. I told her I couldnt go to the store every day sometimes twice and once three times all willy nilly anymore. Yet no matter how many time I express this, she continues to ask me to go places on the whim. It makes me so mad because then shes putting me in the position of saying no and explaining it all again which makes me feel like an ass. I end up going. She cries, and I end up going. Its manipulative and its unfair to me. Client Conduct clearly stated that she could be disqualified from the program if she violates their set of rules one of which reads asking staff to do things outsideof their job description. Her daughter seems to think I am her moms right hand man, if she wants something done but cant do it herself - my job is to do it. Thats not true, theres guidelines and limitations for that exact reason. I said I wasnt going to buy her moms cigarettes anymore, in fact I wasnt going to smoke around her anymore because I could lose my job. Again the daughter protested. But honestly shouldnt I be promoting a healthy lifestyle for her while im there? Im being micromanaged by someone who doesnt have more than a years worth of work history, and not in this field...while I have over 15 years experience in caring for the elderly. Butt loads of training and Ive attended seminars etc I think the fact that this family and I were friends before they hired me has a lot to do with how they treat me. Any other aides that come in they treat very kindly.
Something my loyalty and companionship hasnt seemed to earn me yet.
My point was, after everything I have done for this family, that I love so much, I didnt get any understanding about what I was going through. I wasnt asked what exactly was wrong, or if something was going on. Or if they could help in any way. I was lectured and ridiculed and threatened. What makes matters worse, My client didnt speak up, she didnt defend me in any way even though she knew some of what was said was false. I didnt get to tell my side, they couldnt have cared less. I cannot believe that Ive given 730 days to caring for and helping with anything I can and for a mere 6 weeks [at most] I slacked off a little [on the housework] because I was afraid that if I took on too much I could lose my life. Yeah, tahts where my head was at. I had to slack in order to take care of me.
The last couple of days I have been feeling a little but better. Theres a lil flicker of light at the end of the tunnel now. I hope things remain calm for a bit.
I cant stop feeling betrayed. I am so hurt. Why do I care? I wish I didnt, I wish I could turn it off with a switch.
I think Ive been holding onto something that is already died. I hate change, but I think the cosmos are telling me it is time for me to let go and move on. It is time to move forward with my life. I will consider this experience a stepping stone to something greater. I have been ready for a change but then that adult in me says hey your family is counting on you better do this smart! HA I listen, Im enduring some awkward moments and superficial ones too.
I would truly prefer to leave on my own and in a way where her and I can remain buddies because I know I will miss her lots, shes become such a huge part of my life over the last two years.
I have started my new job search this afternoon.
In september a retirement facility reached out to me and i accepted their invitation to attend an interview. The job paid well, every worker I met was polite to me. They even offered me my dream job full time caregiver in the Alzheimers Unit. I worked in a ward such as this in Colorado and I fell in love with the work, and the people! They can be so much fun! I was so amazed I had been offered the job even before I left the interview! I was on board I wanted this so bad its exactly what I had been hoping to get back into! And there it was, it had fallen right into my lap.
Ultimately, because of my obligation to my current client and her family who lives there, I refused the offer. I couldnt leave her on such short notice, she needed ME. Boy was I wrong. Seems an easy enough process to replace me.
Needless to say, after seeing how quickly they were/are to kick me to the curb, I regret my decision.
Life does goes on, and you live and learn. Every one is battling SOMETHING, be kind, be understanding, be patient. People make mistakes, please give them the opportunity to make things right. You might be surprised.
Thanks for reading my rants, stay tuned for more! I have so much to say!
Sending love and happiness to you all,
Ms N
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